The Real Reason You Aren't Successful

Story

At 16 I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. A skinny, anxious kid with a lack of confidence.

So I started hitting the gym 3-4 times a week. clueless of what to do, how to do it or if it would help.

Over time I witnessed my body change. Bigger shoulders, more definition and with it, my sense of self began to increase.

Exercising became an obsession. And for all the good it caused, I began to see some adverse effects.

I would finish a workout, feeling pumped and full of endorphins. I’d come home, run upstairs and whack my top off. Looking in the mirror at the results. For the first 30 seconds i’d appreciate my hard work. Then that high would take a swift turn.

I’d begin to find flaws “my shoulders aren’t big enough, my chest is uneven”.

A rush of negative emotions came flooding in. All circling back to one statement.

Not good enough.

This one sentence embodies a feeling i’ve experienced across all areas of my life for as long as I can remember.

No matter the positive changes I've made, what I've accomplished or who I've become. The voice of my inner critic has overshadowed it all.

Taunting me into submission.

So I pushed further. Fuelled by a chip on my shoulder, trying to prove the voice wrong. But as I progressed, the inadequacy never seemed to fall further behind. My expectations rose with my capabilities.

My life felt hollow.

After years of battling with my insecurity, I stumbled onto concepts that made me question everything. The way in which I spoke, felt and perceived myself was shrouded in negativity.

As it turns out, this perception of inadequacy which drove me, also pumped the brakes. Preventing me from showing up as my best self. A life overcast in limiting beliefs.

Let’s take two people:

Gary and Gwen are both trying to improve their health by exercising regularly.

It's a tuesday and they only have time for a 10 minute workout.

Gary is driven by a feeling of not enoughness. So as he completes the workout, this feeling shows up:

His thoughts:

"I’m happy i got a workout in but 10 minutes? is that all you got?"

"You aren't committed"

"You could have pushed harder"

He feels: regretful, inadequate, disappointed

Gwen is driven by love and has a strong sense of self, as she finishes she thinks:

"10 minutes is all i could fit in, I am proud to have shown up"

"I am committed to my goal and managed to find time"

"I feel great for making progress"

She feels grateful, accomplished and satisfied

Which person is likely to make the most progress over time?

And who feels like they are in alignment with who they want to be?

Both performed the same action, one came away with a positive experience and the other emotionally drained.

If you resonate with Gary and myself, it is time to detach from limitations and begin to think, feel and live a life of compassion, positivity and confidence.

As i’ve worked through my limitation, my confidence, results and life have massively improved.

The Mind

Limiting beliefs are assumed truths and have a massive influence on all areas of our lives:

• Negative self image, not seeing yourself as worthy or capable

• Anxiety from worry about ability to overcome future challenges

• Mediocrity, not believing in your capability to achieve more

• Relationships suffer from struggling to express oneself confidently

Life is like one big road trip. To travel we need fuel. Our belief system provides that fuel.

When we are born, we possess limitless potential and the fuel tank is full.

Over time our beliefs are shaped by personal experience, society and culture. and for some (me included) we pick up limitations

“I’m not good enough”

“I’ll never succeed”

“I’m not worthy of love” etc

These limits drain the fuel tank and reduce the ability to travel, experience and create a fulfilling journey.

A limitation is set, which we believe to be true. Once we believe something is true, we find evidence to back up that. Which then reinforces the limitation. This cycle of belief and evidence can keep you trapped unless we break the chain and begin to create new beliefs and evidence to back them up.

You may not have consciously chosen to create these limitations.

But you now have a choice to change them and actualise your authentic self.

The version of you who radiates confidence, achieves their goals and lives fully.

Growth mindset:

You can get better at anything

Carel Dwek in her book Mindset, states there are two mindsets: growth and fixed.

Your mindset determines whether you believe you can learn, change and grow or not. It’s the difference between seeing failures as hurdles to jump over or dead ends.

Your mindset is not set in stone, if you have adopted a fixed mindset this is your opportunity to rewrite the script.

You are equipped with the knowledge that anyone can improve. if you decide to ignore it then you no longer can blame anything but yourself.

Automation:

The mind likes to be efficient and conserve energy where possible. Developing the ability to automate certain cognitive processes.

As beliefs are repeated, the neural pathways strengthen. The stronger the pathways the more automated the belief becomes. These beliefs are then habitual and unconscious.

Once automation is achieved, their is a resistance to change as the mind prefers the familiar (we all know a person who watches the same show on repeat). If a person finds comfort in familiarity, even if their familiar is causing negative effects. It can be challenging to break free of limitation.

Detachment:

You are not your thoughts or feelings, you are the experiencer of them.

The limiting beliefs that you experience are not you. The more you can separate these beliefs from yourself, the easier it becomes to look at them clearly and asses the truth and usefulness of said beliefs.

Meditation is a great way to develop the skill of detachment.

The Game Plan

Identify - First we need to identify what limiting beliefs are held. This discovery can come from anywhere journaling, conversations or thinking about the future.

Become observant of your thoughts, actions and words. There are always hints, pointing you in the direction of your beliefs.

Journal prompts: What do i believe is possible for my health, career, relationships etc

What do i believe i’m not capable of doing?

Describe a ideal day, where you are, what are you working on, who you’re with. As you do this exercise many limiting beliefs are likely to surface. As you visualise and describe the perfect day, it’s likely the inner critic comes out to play suggesting all the reasons that is possible for you.

Detach - Does this belief serve me?

Look at the belief objectively, removing emotional attachment.

Is this belief how I truly think or is this the result of years of programming?

Does this belief align with who I want to show up as?

Reconstruct - What belief would serve me?

Reframe the belief into a process: “i’m not good enough” into “I am constantly learning, improving and growing”.

Choosing process driven beliefs over definitive statements like “I am good enough” has been easier to implement and believe. Taking steps to be the way I wish as opposed to trying to convince myself I’m already there. This is a limiting belief within itself but it is a positive progression.

Reinforce - Get the reps in.

You cannot change the thought or behaviour without consistent repetitions. When your old beliefs bubble up (and they will), use your awareness to notice, interupt the pattern of automated belief and response and take this as an opportunity to reinforce your new beleif. route it in action to cement further. Rinse and repeat. over time this will become ingrained until you automatically replace old with new beliefs that serve you.

This will not be easy, it will not be quick. its going to take consistent effort. There will be days you feel like you've made no progress and days you regress.

Keep going.

You are capable of more than you believe. Do not wish it too be easy, because in challenge we find strength

This hardship is part of your hero's journey.

Stay Curious,

Morgan Bedford